The Power of Perception
We're all working hard to protect our families and communities right now. Dr Jenny shares a powerful tool you can use to reduce your stress and communicate a sense of safety to those around you.
The Power of Perception and the Skill of Composure
Think about a time when you have been driving and someone cuts you off in traffic. What is your “go to” phrase? Some may shout “idiot” or other colorful words and some may use gestures to respond to the situation. As Dr. Bailey shares, if you knew they were rushing someone to the hospital, would you have responded differently? Of course you would.
So why do we choose to see the situation negatively when we will never know the true reason?
During stressful times, we struggle to be our best self. Stress creates a perception of threat. When fear and threat are surrounding us it is easy to follow that negative energy and look to protect ourselves and our family. Unfortunately, when we are fearful we are responding from a lower brain state and reacting impulsively. In these lower states, judgement and blame are the skills we have to protect ourselves.
The danger in viewing things in this way is that we can use our opinion in the moment to judge the situation as good or bad, and then defend our response without having all the information. An opinion is not fact. It is the lowest cognitive skill, and can be filled with bias and inaccurate information. Reacting to a situation with judgement and blame causes division and damages relationships. It also teaches our children to respond to stress in the same way.
Reacting to a situation with judgement and blame causes division and damages relationships,
but there is a better way
There is a better way to respond to stress and chaos - and it will also minimize the stress you feel during these times. This better way is shifting our perception and remaining composed.
Remaining calm when we feel a sense of threat is not easy to do. We need to reframe the situation, so we can remain composed. But first we need to help ourselves with a calming routine made up of deep belly breathing and some positive self-talk in the moment.
Calming Routine
Take 3 deep, belly breaths, exhaling longer than you inhale
Say to yourself, “Keep breathing. I can handle this.”
Wish the other person well, knowing they are doing the best they can in the moment
Intentionally practicing this calming routine throughout the day will make it more likely that you will be able to access it when you really need it. Once we have calmed ourselves, we have access to our highest brain state where we can use our reasoning ability.
We can reframe the situation as a problem to be solved or an assumption that the person is doing the best that they can do in that moment. For instance, “Wow, there must be an emergency. I hope that driver gets to where he’s going safely.”
There is so much power in how we see situations and others. The way you see a situation affects how you react to it, which will impact your behavior. We get to choose whether we see what is happening around us as negative or positive.
A shift to positive results in a gift of composure that we give ourselves, as well as others. The gift of composure helps us to see from another’s perspective while remaining calm where we can access our best self. Remaining calm allows us to see the real cause of the problem and have the ability to seek a solution, or to teach a missing skill.
Choose Composure Over Criticism
When your child is feeling scared or missing routine they may respond in that moment with tantrums or backtalk, using the only skills they have in their lower brain state. This is an opportunity for you to see their call for help and to use the calming routine from above, so you can coach your child through managing their emotions in a safe way.
Once both the adult and child are calm, teaching a healthy way to manage the frustration or disappointment would be helpful. Remember that their behavior is happening in front of you and not to you. Quit taking it personally.
When it comes to a friend or colleague who views this pandemic differently than you, you could perceive your disagreement about given information as intolerable. You could respond with judgment and blame because they do not see things the way you do. Or you could perceive the person as understanding the information in the best way they can at that moment, while still caring about humanity. Being able to hear things from their perspective without judging it or needing to change it would be helpful.
Your perception of a situation will guide your interaction and will either have a negative or positive impact on your relationship. You get to choose.
Your perception about yourself and others has a big impact on how you feel in the moment. This perception will dictate how you behave. Choosing composure over criticism in stressful moments will allow you to manage extreme emotions in a safe way. It allows for new information to be taught or heard. It maintains a relationship where you are practicing listening to understand, rather than listening to respond.
Practice inserting a “pause” when you feel yourself getting upset and unable to respond in a healthy way.
Practice inserting a “pause” when you feel yourself getting upset and unable to respond in a healthy way. Taking time to breathe and wishing the other person well in the moment will help you to regain your composure so that you can see the best in yourself and others. As you practice these strategies, you are modeling them for our children - and they will learn to practice the pause too.
Remember to be kind to yourself.
As you practice these skills, remember to be kind to yourself. It isn’t easy to keep negative thoughts or distractions from taking over when things are so uncertain. Being intentional with your perception of others will help to keep you in the present moment. This can provide hope. So, I encourage you to be intentional when sharing how you feel about what you see in others and what is going on around you. Your words and your behavior are painting a picture for how your children will see it too.
Written by Dr. Jenny Barkac, inspired by the teachings of Dr. Becky Bailey
The Power of Perception is one of Conscious Discipline’s seven essential powers of social-emotional health.
If you would like to go deeper into this concept, listen to Dr Becky Bailey, founder of Conscious Discipline, in her Power of Perception webinar. The video quality is not the best, but the content is superb. A study guide to the webinar is available here.
Additional resources and training in Conscious Discipline is available at consciousdiscipline.com.