The Power of Attention

and the Skill of Assertiveness

Where is your focus at this moment?

How about here?

In stressful moments, we focus on what we didn’t want to happen. We didn’t want to see spilled milk as we were hurrying to get through breakfast. We didn’t want to experience a car crash.

We frequently respond with blame and anger and criticism. As we erupt in this way, we are teaching our children to respond in the same way when things don’t go their way. And so much time can be spent seeing all that is wrong in the world, we may miss those that are being helpful and bringing good to challenging situations.

You can change your response by using the Power of Attention.

Where we place our attention makes a statement about what we inherently value most. Is helpfulness valued over hurtfulness? It may sound silly to think of it like that, but the words we choose to say directs our attention in a certain direction. That attention increases our focus in that direction. Are we focusing on helping or hurting for a given situation?

What you focus on you get more of.

A lot of power lies within this statement. Where we focus our attention communicates what we value to those around us. You get to choose how you see every situation, and you can shift the focus at any time. You may instinctively respond negatively. But as soon as you recognize this, you can breathe, shift your focus to what you want, and respond differently.

The lens you see the world through is created by your perception of the world, which then directs your attention and focus. When you place your focus on what is not going well in any situation, that is all you will see. This creates fear, which interferes with accessing our wisest self. Instead, we react to things in a hurtful way and do not have access to our highest brain state where our reasoning ability lives. Consciously shifting the focus of your attention to what is going well allows access to the highest center of the brain where we can learn and make safe and healthy decisions.

Stressful moments can cause a feeling of being overwhelmed, blocking access to the higher centers of our brain. This is very common because the focus is on what you didn’t want to happen and then that becomes all you can see. In these moments, after you have taken a big deep breath, it would be helpful to focus your attention on what you wanted to happen instead, so your brain can create a plan. Pay close attention to the words you say to yourself when you are upset. They will either guide you toward what you want and help you to be successful, or they will keep you stuck in what is causing you to be overwhelmed.

Notice the words you use to guide yourself and your children through stressful moments. Your words reflect where you are focusing and what you value. With this, you are teaching them what to value and how to respond to their own stresses. Your words also help them learn to respond more encouragingly and without judgement. Judgement thoughts of “good or bad” don’t allow for higher level level thinking. It is in higher level thinking where behavior can be changed. You cannot love and judge at the same time.

“When we focus our attention on what is wrong, missing, or not going our way, we are unconsciously teaching children to focus on the same. We are using the brain’s innate neuroplasticity to wire children for “not enoughness.” (Bailey, 2015). How can you see what a child is positively contributing in the moment when all you notice is what they have forgotten?

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When we are in our highest brain state and focused on what we want from a given situation, we can apply the skill of assertiveness. The skill of assertiveness allows boundaries to be set without devaluing the intentions or thoughts of our children or another person.

Assertiveness emphasizes clear communication and helps to teach others how you want to be treated. Often in times of stress either a passive or an aggressive tone is used, along with body language that fits that tone. For example: “I can’t believe you’re asking me to go to that meeting!” (arms folded) is an example of being aggressive. “Please let me finish the story” (while waiting for children to quiet down) is an example of a passive voice. Speaking to anyone in either a passive or an aggressive voice invites more aggression which increases the already stressful situation.

An assertive voice is one that is used to clearly communicate the boundaries of what you are willing to do or not to do, without putting another person down. Using the examples from above, an assertive response could be, “I am going to have to say no to adding another event to my schedule this week.” “Quiet down and look at me, so I know you’re ready to hear the story” is an assertive instruction for the children at storytime. In both examples there is clear communication and you don’t have to guess what is expected by the adult.

“The goal of assertiveness is clear communication that paints a picture of what we want others to do. It has a voice tone of “no doubt” and comes from an intention of helping the child or adult be successful instead of making them behave” (Dr. Bailey, 2015). In order to be assertive we have to focus on our own thoughts and feelings and manage them, rather than trying to manage how others are feeling.

Visual schedules or expectations in pictures leave no room for interpretation. The images communicate clearly what is expected and minimize the need for reminders of that expectation. The brain seeks patterns and predictability to create a sense of safety in the moment and an image provides that safety. Think about all the images you have seen lately about hand washing. This image has been used for adults and children to create an expectation without assumptions. When your focus is on what you want a person “to do” it provides clear language in a tone of no doubt.

Using assertive communication defuses the use of “judgement language” which causes division and complicates the situation. Blame is the skill used during judgement and it interferes with understanding what caused the miscommunication in the first place.

Assertiveness requires that we shift our attention to what we want when communicating with others instead of focusing on what we don’t want. This requires that we recognize when we are feeling defensive. When that happens, stop and take 3 deep breaths so the higher centers of the brain can be accessed and our wisest self can respond respectfully. From problem behavior to politics, putting others down to make a point is hurtful and not a reflection of the person we want our children to become.

Written by Dr. Jenny Barkac, inspired by the teachings of Dr. Becky Bailey

The Power of Attention is one of Conscious Discipline’s seven essential powers of social-emotional health.

If you would like to go deeper into this concept, listen to Dr Becky Bailey, founder of Conscious Discipline, in her Power of Attention webinar.

Additional resources and training in Conscious Discipline is available at consciousdiscipline.com.